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Friday, January 19, 2007

3:37AM - Where I'm bound, I can't tell.

This week has been weird.  It's been cold and dreary and stressful, and oftentimes just downright depressing. 
Except for class, astonishingly. 
My actual classes have been excellent so far.  The beginning of the semester is always kind of cool that way.  Promises of learning and adventures and work for a reason.  Doesn't usually live up to the syllabus or that first lecture, but I'm used to it...  Wow.  This is likely the last semester as such that I'll ever dive into.  Wow.

So, in Religion class today I was distracted.  It's a big lecture, and there's very little accountability associated with big lectures.  Plus, it's an intro course.  Rock on.  My instructor is this really cool lady.  But she has this accent which, when coupled with sitting in a slightly peripheral part of the classroom, makes it difficult to pay attention.  And I was preoccupied.  You see, there was this ant. 

And she was up there, talking about consciousness and founders of religions and holy people- which are fascinating topics- but I couldn't hear her.  My attention was glued to this little ant.  And you think you see ants every day.  They're as common as dirt, nothing special.  But this ant was awesome... not because it was an extraordinary ant.  I guess I just never took the time to look closely and appreciate something so small and everyday.  I had it crawl up my arm and back down again for probably an hour.  Completely undaunted by obstacles.  A little afraid of giant Jessica at first... but after a little bit it would follow the movements of my finger with its little antennaed head.  And it was astoundingly resilient.  But everytime I turned a page or put my pen to the paper, I would check around to make sure I wasn't going to accidentally squash the ant.  It was my little lecture buddy.  My little allegory.

(don't just sit there)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

7:59PM - It came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

I don't have any plans. No plans about what to do in Life, no plans about what to do after practice today. Hell, I don't even have plans FOR practice today. Keller on Friday, provided that it doesn't rain. Jacksonville for Thanksgiving. Research paper sometime in between. That's all I know. I'm pretty sure that this is no way to live one's life.

Soccer game last night. It's amazing to see younger kids getting all riled up over sports. They're freshmen and sophomores. I remember getting into soccer when I was a freshman/sophomore. I wonder if it was equally as stressful for my coach in those days. Mrs. Pierce was amazing.

I never have enough time for anything in the day. And I just finished watching Clear and Present Danger. For no reason except that I got off work early, and it was on. I should've been signing up for classes. I should've been getting my money order for my speeding ticket. I should've been looking up drills for practice today. I shoud've been writing my research paper. Too bad that one is easily distracted who doesn't have actual plans....

Current mood: numb

(don't just sit there)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

6:46PM - You say you're living on the edge...

How does it get so hard to get out of bed? I had an instructor this morning get vocally mad about my being 5 minutes late to class. I used to get really nervous and queasy when teachers or any authority figures got mad at me. This time not so much. People have stuff to do. I pay you.

I saw Ricky on the way to class this morning. Maybe that ends up being the cosmic reason that I was compelled to get out of bed this morning.

Work is a pain in the ass, but I don't really have bad days there. I think that's probably the beauty of dangerously-low-resposibility work environments. Can't complain about that.

Two weekends ago-- family. So nice.
Last weekend-- Jenny. Pretty much family. Great weekend.
This weekend--More family. Can't wait.
Next weekend--hopefully Florida Georgia... Does anybody else know how frustrating it is to get a busy signal for a solid 5 hours?

(1 thought | don't just sit there)

Saturday, September 23, 2006

12:04AM - That's when I knew where I was.

Thats when I knew that I was Home.Collapse )

Current mood: thankful

(don't just sit there)

Monday, September 11, 2006

11:09PM - Will someone please call the surgeon?

I was nice and active today, but that was cancelled out by the fact that I ate myself sick at Sonny's. It was Monday, though... it had to be done. Monday=Sonny's. My Methods professor started talking about social theory today when I asked him a question after class. Before that moment, I didn't understand how a student could ever have an affair with a teacher. After that moment, I understood perfectly. I was busy today. Today had several committments. I like that. None of them particularly stressful. That's refreshing too. I touched a soccerball today for the first time in probably 3 years. And remembered why I've been avoiding such an activity for the past three years. Gator Humanics is where I should have been for the past three years. I'm such a slacker for not joining sooner. Running with Megs was good for me. Evening was very pretty, and our neighborhood is so quaint and comfortable. And then there was Sonny's. What on Earth am I going to do my research proposal on?

Current mood: tired

(1 thought | don't just sit there)

12:00AM - The only thing keeping me dry is where I am

I'm really not one to get all pissed off in front of my friends. These friends are different though. I got the best sleep last night that I've had in a long time... So what's with the attitude? I think it's all the stories. Maybe the fact that Sunday was ending. Interesting how the bad mood comes and goes. And how things that aren't even sad can bring it on out of nowhere. It's going to be a very long week.

Saturday was the most fun I've had in a long while. It's too bad football season is only in the fall. God, how much have I changed?

Current mood: tired

(2 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Friday, August 11, 2006

7:41PM - Feels too damn much like home

About a week ago, somebody asked me what makes me smile and what makes me frown. Since then, I tried to be conscious of things that were actually making me smile. Fewer than I expected. There are tons of things I like, heaps of things that I would consider to be stuff that "makes me happy." But things that actually cause my face to smile are fairly few. Especially few are the things that can be explained and put into list form.

Today my boss asked from down the hall, "Are you going to miss us, Jessica?" I replied, "You have no idea." This is the standard response to a question like this. Especially from one's boss. It happened to be extremely true this time. She has no idea how much I'm going to miss being there, being helpful, doing useful work, chatting with my coworkers, eating lunch at that tiny table in that tiny kitchen, driving through downtown traffic every morning, being the computer know-it-all along with Katie, running stupid errands, and contributing to the flow of their office. I have no idea myself how much I'm gonna miss it just yet, but I expect it'll be a lot. Just can't get myself excited about going back and doing work all for myself again...

Yesterday, I walked into work, sneaking a little because I didn't want anybody to notice that I was sketching in 5 minutes late. Walking through the hall, I could see that my light was already on. I noted that that was strange. So I step into my office, and there on my desk, right in front of my keyboard is a Venti Iced Mocha. Venti. I've never had a venti anything. In my life. A big yellow post-it stuck to my desk in front of the cup:
"Jessica, I appreciate all you do for me.
=) Jennifer"

I jumped around and spouted thank-yous at her. Iced. Mocha. Venti. She sure pegged me...

(5 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Monday, August 7, 2006

12:07AM - When I want to run away, I drive off in my car

But whichever way I choose, I come back to the place you are...Collapse )

(1 thought | don't just sit there)

Friday, July 14, 2006

5:24PM - Who Do You Love?

Night time interstate driving is an incredible experience.
The Acosta Bridge splits off of a six-lane ribbon of Interstate 95. It's a quick interchange-- six lanes down to three, there's a drop, an incline, and suddenly you're floating up over the river. A purplish line of light runs the length of the el train track to your left side, while the Jacksonville skyline cuts through the blacknes on your right. It's probably only about ten blocks at most worth of big-city skyline, like somebody cut-and-pasted a little chunk from Manhattan to the banks of the busy St. John's River. After the bridge is a little junction-- the kind with knots of concrete and lanes that go in every direction, one on top of the other. A place where it's clear that at some point in history, somebody had to step in and figure a complicated structure because too many cars wanted to be in that one spot. The slip that I take to get home is one-lane wide and the highest layer. Nothing above but black and stars. As it banks down to reconnect with ground-level traffic, it offers a sweeping view of Riverside Avenue stretching out before it. Half a mile of city road is visible- a bold, dark path through dim buildings.

Sometimes you get lucky, and I can't describe the feeling-- it's incomparable to any other I can think of-- when every light you can see along the empty night street as you roll down the dipping ramp

is green.

(2 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Monday, June 26, 2006

5:01PM - That's why my philosophy keeps me walking when I'm falling down

Sometimes rain rekindles my love for Ben Folds. Katie and Greg's wedding was amazing. Incredible, beautiful, touching, magical... So Wedding Weekend #1 went perfectly as far as I'm concerned. Despite never having taken a computer class after my freshman year of high school (six or seven years ago), I've suddenly become tech support around the office. It's great. A girl sent me an email over the weekend with questions about Leicester. I sent her back an email that was so outrageously long that I was afraid it might not send. That was cathartic. I should really write my flatmates. When the director asked me today if I'd like to stay instead of going back to school, I knew she was joking but really wanted to take her up on it. The river is gorgeous around 10.45 pm. I don't know whose idea it was to light up the bridges with purpley blue, but whoever it was is brilliant. I can't wait til I get to run this evening. The rain better let up within the next two hours.

It's a terrible shame, I'm realizing, that the real world doesn't have summer break. Summers are like little retreats. They always end up making me feel complete again. This summer has helped me complete the sketch of my identity by teaching me that:

I'm okay at dishwashing and kitchen cleaning; pedestrian-friendly housing is definitely the way to go; we all really do need to live in the same place once kids come along; but we probably won't; I love big cities; Being in one place for too long makes me a little restless; Angela wants me to email (and marry) that boy, and I totally understand why, but I can't bring myself to do it; Cooking is fun; My sense of direction is very trustworthy; I want to be best friends with the forty or fiftysomething addictions counselor at work; I'm a really good typist; High heels always look nice, but they are emphatically NOT my thing; I may even have a moral opposition to them; It's possible that if I could be anything in the world, I would choose to be musically talented; Maybe I don't know where exactly I'm going, but there's a good chance I'll like it when I get there.

(2 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

12:21AM - Until Later doesn't always come

What a difference a day makes. Or two days.

I walked around a lot today. Around five points. Around the St. Johns Town Center, which always makes me think I'm in Orlando. I tried wearing those heels I bought. They lasted maybe a little over an hour. I don't think I'll ever be able to work in an office... I'm pretty sure I just don't belong in nice clothes.
It's incredible to live along the river. I love the water, and I've always been very partial to the Gulf. But the River is amazing because the downtown is right up against it. A lot like the cities in Europe I noticed. There's a big long walkway of public space, though. Angela and I have run up and down a little section of Riverwalk twice now. Once last night around eight, and once tonight around seven thirty. Perfect work outs. The kind where I've almost thrown in the proverbial towel, but had just enough energy to push through it. Those are the best kind because my whole body and ego (which is important) feels good afterward. To add to the incredibleness of the experience, the evening light meets the somehow both glassy and choppy surface of the river, and the temperature droops with the sun, and a little breeze fluffs up off the water. Gorgeous.

I'm happy here. And this is palpable after only about four whole days. It usually takes three weeks to a month for me to decide I've made peace with my location and surroundings. This time it was immediate. I wonder if I wear it on my face. People here have been very complimentary and extremely friendly. Perfect strangers. Weird. In a wonderful way.

I wonder how much better it will be when Erica & Jim get here. I wish I could be around to help them move in.

Current mood: thankful

(1 thought | don't just sit there)

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

8:13PM - Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today

Never let em tell you that they're all the same.Collapse )

(2 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Thursday, May 4, 2006

1:18AM - I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles

Who I Am Today...

Polka dots inspire me. To create things--mostly art. As long as I'm allowed to take my time, I love to watch my hand drop words across paper. At any given moment of the day, I'd probably prefer to be outside in the grass or in my bed. I'm pretty sure I left my heart in Europe. I can recall the person I was a whole year ago... and she doesn't much resemble the person I am today. And I can never really say whether that's good or bad. Ice cream makes me happy... not just eating it, but being in its presence or thinking about it. Especially serving it. The feeling of self-sufficiency is one of the best feelings ever. On the other hand, the realization that certain people in my life are inextricable is also a particularly good feeling. One of the most embarrassing qualities I have is that I was never big into reading. I suck at keeping in touch with people. Today I decided that my boat had a rudder and a big sail, but no wind (not like Bryan's rudderless boat, or Sarah's boatless sail). Sometimes dropping out of school to get pregnant seems like the best life plan. And I call myself a feminist. Every time I see pecan trees, I have an uncontrollable craving to take a nap in the shade in the grass. I do not fall in love with people, but I can (and usually do) fall in love with a place in a matter of minutes. The identity that I've constructed barely reflects my practical self. Reading scholarly articles drives my desire to express non-pragmatic, non-technical wordage. And, thus, here we are...

(don't just sit there)

Saturday, April 29, 2006

11:23AM - My life has become a boring pop song, and everyone's singing along

Sometimes it's sick just how nice it can be to go to the mall. I was never an overly mallish girl. I guess it's nice as a break from work... especially since I haven't been in a while. I bought bridal shower gifts for Angela, a cd, and a dress. The dress was $18.50, which isn't bad for a dress (especially this one), but is more than I'm usually willing to spend. It's no wonder I haven't been netting any money when I spend all my earnings on clothes and sandwiches.

People say that time flies like an arrow, but I sometimes I'm pretty sure it's more like a jet. I had no idea how late it was. I might only have two more days at Jimmy Johns. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. Someone asked me what I was going to do for the summer, and I said I didn't know. He didn't understand. "You have to know something..." All I know is that I'm not going to be in Gainesville. That's it. You'd think that working with the slackers I work with would make me feel less pathetic. Occasionally it does, but mostly it doesn't.

This past week has been mostly sunny, but still a little cool. It's my favorite time of year. God, I love April in Florida. Except for finals.

My new nickname is whale. I need to stop drinking beer and start running again.

That bridal shower is going to get in the way of mass again this week. Tis a shame. It's been too long...

My mom and I had a lovely visit over hashbrowns at Waffle House this morning (even if she did wake me up at 8.30). I'm actually really excited for her to get back in town with Katie so that we can all hang out.

Maybe we'll go back to the mall.

Mmm. This CD is so good.

Current mood: tired

(3 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Sunday, April 23, 2006

11:19AM

I thought this was gone. Apparently LJ saved it. It's obviously incomplete.Collapse )

(don't just sit there)

Thursday, April 6, 2006

1:05PM - Please be kind if I'm a mess

I've been having another day. Another day that I didn't do what I was supposed to do. Another day that I had to fight myself to get out of bed. Another day that I paid little attention in class. Another day that I forgot to pick up the paper. Today, for some reason (probably that there is other stuff that I really need to do) I feel like writing. I'm feeling expressive in a non-verbal way.

I have a weird feeling in my tummy. I had another pregnant dream last night. Last night I went to see Ann Coulter and felt myself retreating. Hadn't heard somebody so hateful in a long time. I'm going to run today. Maybe I'll run to Jimmy Johns to get somebody to take over my stupid weekend shifts. I LOVE my religion class. I think I'm gonna be a religion minor. I need to finish registration. Wow. I need to pay my parking ticket. The end of the semester gets so ugly... I have to write about a reproductive experience for my stupid reproduction class. Um, Hi... Professor Marsiglio? I'm a virgin. Help me out. There's too much going on, yet somehow... not nearly enough. Whenever I plan my day, it seems like there's so much time, and I get so ambitious. But as the day wears on, I realize that it's time to take a nap, or go hang out at 5.205. Then it's all over.

It's time to take a nap.

Current mood: exhausted

(2 thoughts | don't just sit there)

Monday, April 3, 2006

4:24PM - With all these wishes I've made I should buy something real

I was so happy at work today. It's not abnormal for me to be smiley at work. It is abnormal for me to be in a genuinely good mood. Every once in a while I realize anew how much difference a good attitude makes and how much control I have over my attitude.
And I'm astonished.

Maybe it was the juice. Juice often puts me in a better mood. I drank a lot of Kool-Aid growing up. We didn't usually have interesting juice blends around the house. Today I brought a big cup of strawberry grape juice to work. Maybe that's what made my day. It certainly wasn't waking up at 7:21 for class.

I'm having chips for lunch. Even though they are what I would consider "gourmet," perhaps even "the best chips I've ever had," I need to get a shower and eat some real food.

Current mood: spacey

(don't just sit there)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

12:59PM - What you plan to do with your foolish pride. . . ?

I suck for putting off my project. I'd never have thought twice about turning in my shitty paper worth 200 points that I spent maybe three hours on. Until my teacher asked me to stay after class.

I figured he was going to reprimand me for being late every day. (I'm late every day. I have nine hours of commitment a week, and I can't even make it to them on time. I'm fairly consistently late for every one of my classes. Especially his.) Instead, he asked me my major and my year. He said he was looking for research assistants over the summer. He asked if I was going to be in Gainesville. I'm not planning on being in Gainesville, but my plans are kind of up in the air. I told him that. He said he'd look over the paper I'd just turned in and get a feel for my writing skills, and we could talk later. Shit. Please don't judge me by that paper. I'm a good writer. That paper does not reflect it. After class I was thinking, But I didn't think I was going to be judged on that paper... Then I was thinking, Why not? Why didn't I expect that one of five or six total assignments would reflect my intelligence? I used to be concerned about the content and style of the work I turned in because it was a reflection on me. It was more than getting an A in the class. Maybe that was back when teachers knew my name. Well, this teacher knows my name, and now he knows that I'm a bad writer. I don't even want to be his research assistant over the summer. Why am I so concerned that he think I'm smart?

I noticed something yesterday that I didn't realize until it came out of my mouth. I hope this is a phase, but I don't want anybody touching me lately. I've always been a very big fan of most physical touch. Pats on the back. Hugs. Piggy Back rides. Recently, however, I don't want to touch people. And I don't want them touching me. It's very strange. I don't like it. I like myself as a touch-y person.

I'm changing faster than I can keep up with. For better or worse.

(don't just sit there)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

11:33PM - save me wake me up

It occurred to me as I was mixing tuna a few weeks ago that I feel lately as if I'm living life on the inside of latex gloves. Does anybody know what that feels like? I think I mean that sometimes I feel like I'm not really feeling everything. That idea is foreign to me, as I generally think of myself as a feeler above all else. Also, it scares me. Feeling is important. Arguably the most important thing we do in life.

I hope it just comes from being stressed out.

I talked to the Sociology Undergraduate Coordinator today (she's important). She said she recognized my name because the department recently sent me a letter recommending that I apply for a particular scholarship. I thought they sent that letter to everybody. Anyway, the fact that she recognized my name and encouraged me again to apply for that scholarship not only astounded me, but it made me feel smart for the majority of the day.

I had a really good run today. Why is it always so hard to motivate myself to do something that I know will make me feel better? I trust myself a lot less these days. I think maybe I even know myself less of late. Kind of always thought I'd know myself better as I aged...

I've been more broody than usual these past couple of days.
I could tell this song was good when I first heard it, even though I couldn't decipher the words. Now that I've got what he's saying, I realize that I was very right.

Current mood: tired

(1 thought | don't just sit there)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

8:22PM - her mixtape's a masterpiece

It was nice to hang out with Katie and Brittany this weekend. I'd forgotten how much fun singing in the car with friends is. Wish I hadn't had to work so much...

I find myself again in a ridiculous living situation. Thank God my flatmates last semester were cool. Six girls shared one bathroom, ten kids shared one kitchen, and we seemed to get along okay. I know it's possible for me to live in a harmonious home environment. How come it's so difficult for me to get paired with cool American roommates? Gar.

Life would be totally uncool right now if it weren't for the gorgeous weather. I need to go eat up my leftovers. But I don't want to go into my own kitchen. Stupid. 5-205 attempted to wookie my roommate last night. Not a good idea. Running was pathetic today, but at least I attempted. Matt reset my watch last night, so today I didn't wear it, and felt a little naked all day.

Current mood: tired

(3 thoughts | don't just sit there)

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